A Gaming Journal

The Witcher Script

CAST OF CHARACTERS

PROLOGUE

EXT. CASTLE COURTYARD - NIGHT

GERALT is a witcher, a mostly-human monster slayer for hire.  He stands in a castle tower, preparing for a great battle against a monster rampaging through the streets.  This particular monster is the king's daughter who has been cursed since birth, though the king waited about 16 years and several hundred bodies before doing anything about it.  GERALT has been hired to dispel this curse.  Tied up in the corner is the man to be used as bait; the one responsible for the Princess' monstrous form.

PRISONER
What are you going to do?!

GERALT
I'm going to dispel her curse, if you get my drift.

PRISONER
Fool!  The only way to break the curse is for you to stay alive through the night and deny her the succor of her sarcophagus come dawn, forcing her into the sunlight!

GERALT
No, I have my own dispelling stick I think will work a lot better.  Though you are right, I'll definitely be with her all night.  Allll night.

PRISONER
...

GERALT adjusts his belt buckle and sets the PRISONER free, who flees downstairs.  GERALT follows.

GERALT
Never met anything that wasn't fixed with a good dicking.

GERALT gets to the bottom of the tower to witness the PRISONER being eaten alive by the PRINCESS.  He cups his crotch.

GERALT
Come to Daddy, baby.

EXT. CASTLE COURTYARD - DAWN

After five hours of repeatedly failing to mate with the not-at-all human PRINCESS, GERALT finally gives up and hides in her sarcophagus, blocking her out.

PRINCESS ADDA
OH GOD I DON'T WANT TO BE UNCONSCIOUS AROUND THIS GUY, PLEASE--

Sunlight breaks over the horizon, and the PRINCESS loses consciousness and collapses, turning back into a human form.  After a few moments of silence, GERALT opens the sarcophagus again and approaches her.

GERALT
Hell yeah.

EXT. KAER MORHEN CASTLE - DAY, SEVERAL YEARS LATER

GERALT has been brought  into the folds of the supposed last surviving group of witchers in the land, after being found collapsed in the forest.  He has complete amnesia, though he is recognized as a famous witcher who died some years ago.  TRISS MERIGOLD, a sorceress wearing little more than a handkerchief on her entire body, comes out of a corridor as he is watching sword training exercises.

TRISS
Having amnesia must be hard...do you remember how to fight?

GERALT
I remember the basics, the styles, the techniques, all the witcher-specific information I probably should've forgotten given I can't even recognize people.  But I've lost all the advanced stuff....I think that'll come back by doing a bunch of fetch quests, though.  Amnesia's a funny thing.

TRISS
Well, at least you won't have to to worry about using any of those skills for a while...we're completely safe here.

A horde of bandits and mages from a group named Salamandra suddenly attacks the castle, overrunning it in no time.  The remaining living witchers gather together and try to come up with a plan.

HEAD WITCHER
What could they possibly be after?  We are but humble monster slayers, alone in our castle.

TRISS
Do you think it could be your world-famous incredibly powerful mutagens that warp people's bodies giving them superhuman reflexes, immunity to disease, night vision and exceptional strength?

HEAD WITCHER
Hmmm.

TRISS
We should go protect the labratory where your secrets are, and I'm totally not trying to serve my own interests in suggesting this.

GERALT
I will follow the one with a vagina.

RED SHIRT NOVICE WITCHER
I CAN TOTALLY HANDLE ANYTHING GERALT I'LL GO WITH YOU AND WE'LL KILL EVERYONE YEAAAAH!

HEAD WITCHER
Okay.  Triss, Geralt, and new guy, you go off to the laboratory.  The last few of us will sit here and fend off this gigantic monster, mage, and horde of bandits; don't worry, we'll be fine.

INT. KAER MORHEN LABORATORY - DAY

GERALT follows TRISS down into the laboratory.  She stays above ground as GERALT and RED SHIRT head downstairs to check on the mutagens.  Inside, a prickish looking leader named THE PROFESSOR and a scary looking mage named AZAR JAVED are ransacking the room for the witcher secrets.

THE PROFESSOR
Seriously, why wouldn't they just label it?!  This is sooooo hard.

AZAR notices GERALT and RED SHIRT, and casts a protective barrier that stops them from entering instead of just killing them like all the other witchers they've encountered.  The barrier also destroys the path back up the stairs, filling it with rubble.

RED SHIRT
Geralt, you need to cast a magic spell to clear the stairway so we can get Triss to dispel this shield!

GERALT
Uhh....I don't remember how to use magic.

RED SHIRT
Hmm...I'd help, but for some reason, I don't know any magic either.  All's not lost though, you should meditate by that rock, it should somehow give you a spell.

GERALT meditates by a magic rock, which restores his ability to cast one spell.  He clears the stairs and enlists TRISS' help, who goes on ahead to dispel the barrier.  GERALT and RED SHIRT head back down to the laboratory in the first of hundreds of pointless back-and-forths to elongate an already too long game.  They pass a wounded TRISS on the way, and press into the laboratory to stop the theft of the mutagens.  They arrive just as JAVED finds the recipes.

AZAR JAVED
Ha ha, witchers!  Clever -- putting a label on it saying "NOT WITCHER MUTAGENS"....you little rats.  I almost gave up and left!  But I have it now.  And now, setting a precedent that will stay in place for the rest of the game, I am going to laugh at your weakness and teleport away.

THE PROFESSOR
That red shirt still isn't dead?

THE PROFESSOR shoots RED SHIRT with a crossbow.

THE PROFESSOR
Better.

AZAR and THE PROFESSOR flee through a portal, leaving RED SHIRT bleeding out of his red shirt.  RED SHIRT dies, to no one's surprise.

INT. KAER MORHEN LABORATORY - 10 MINUTES LATER

HEAD WITCHER
Triss needs a healing potion or she'll die.

GERALT
So give her one.

HEAD WITCHER
She needs a special potion.  It requires a piece of the very monster we just defeated.  Pretty convenient, huh?  Good thing she didn't get syphilis, we've got jack shit for that.

GERALT goes on a scavenger hunt for the ingredients.

INT. TRISS' BEDROOM - NIGHT

Finally, GERALT brews the healing potion for TRISS.    He makes sure she is moved up to her bedroom right before he gives it to her, in every sense of the phrase.

GERALT
I may not remember anything about my previous life, but I do remember that witchers are sterile and immune to disease, which means the world will be my whorehouse.

TRISS
I'm still delirious from being almost dead for the past few hours, but you're right, I just need a good lay.

GERALT and TRISS have sex.

EXT. KAER MORHEN - NIGHT

(Very) shortly after, GERALT and TRISS meet the others outside the castle, where they are burning the body of RED SHIRT on a pyre.

HEAD WITCHER
All of our secrets have been stolen, and we have no idea who this Salamandra group is that did it.  Most of us have been killed.  I suggest we split up even further to go on wild goose chases until one of us finds something.  At that point, that person should probably deal with it themselves, because I can't be bothered to come up with any kind of plan to come together again.

GERALT
Can't I just follow Triss?

HEAD WITCHER
No.

The remaining witchers split up and start the search.

CHAPTER I

EXT. VILLAGE, OUTSKIRTS OF VIZIMA - NIGHT

GERALT arrives at a village under attack from a pack of ghost dogs led by one named the BEAST.  During the attack, he meets up with SHANI, a red headed doctor he had a relationship with in his previous life.  The chaos and violence does not stop him from trying to tap her ass.  Before he can get very far, they witness the demonic possession of a small child, ALVIN, who is deemed to be full of magic and Very Important.

INT. VILLAGE INN - NIGHT

Inside, GERALT is treated like a leper and an outcast.  He quickly discovers witchers are disdained, even though everyone relies on them.

INNKEEPER
I spit on you and all your kind.  You're good for nothing, evil, horrible creatures, not even human, and you're lucky I don't throw you out right now.  Oh by the way, could you go kill 5 ghouls for me?  I'll pay you.  Thanks.  Err, I mean, go to hell.

EXT. VILLAGE - NIGHT

After a drink, GERALT heads outside the village, and runs across a BARMAID about to be beset upon by a gang of hoodlums.  No one seems worried about the roving pack of ghost dogs that ripped apart a few villagers 10 minutes ago.

GERALT
Stop.  I won't let you deflower that poor girl; that's my job.

GERALT murders all of them, and then offers to walk the BARMAID home.

EXT. OUTSIDE BARMAID'S HOME - NIGHT

GERALT
So...how about you and I have sex?

BARMAID
Sure, there's nothing like an attempted gang rape to get my juices flowing.

Afterwards, unsated by the barmaid, GERALT also sleeps with a peasant girl.  He then continues his search through the town for leads on Salamandra.  After significant effort, the leader of the town agrees to help him if GERALT finds out about the BEAST.  Enlisting the help of a witch named ABIGAIL, he discovers the BEAST is brought about by human wickedness.  GERALT reports this back, and is told the location of the Salamandra hiding place.

INT. SALAMANDRA CAVES - NIGHT

GERALT storms the cave, destroying all the bandits and freeing a bunch of enslaved children, including ALVIN.

ALVIN
Thanks Geralt!  But I'm in the middle of playing 'Sell The Annoying Brat to Salamandra' with the townsfolk!  The town leader told me to put a bag on my head and go to this cave, and if I got caught, I'd win!  Did I win?!

GERALT
I think all that excess magic has rotted your brain.

GERALT pushes further into the hideout.  Conveniently, it connects to a cave that ABIGAIL is sitting in for some reason.

GERALT
I totally forgot to sleep with you the first time around.  Do you mind if we have a go now?

ABIGAIL
I'm about to be lynched by this mob of townsfolk outside who blame me for everything that's ever gone wrong, but you're right, I just need a good lay.

GERALT AND ABIGAIL have sex.

EXT. OUTSIDE CAVE - NIGHT

GERALT defends ABIGAIL and defames the townsfolk for all their hideous deeds, who reluctantly let them pass.  GERALT then slays the BEAST, and is again attacked by the townsfolk, who he also slays.  He steals a city-entrance pass from the town leader and tries to enter Vizima, but is arrested by a guard, possibly for slaughtering an entire village.

CHAPTER II

INT. DUNGEON CELL - NIGHT

Inside the dungeon, GERALT is given an opportunity to earn his freedom by killing a COCKATRICE in the sewers.  He accepts.

INT. SEWERS - DAWN

Slogging around, GERALT finds a Knight of the Order of the Flaming Rose, who offers to help defeat the COCKATRICE.  After killing the beast, GERALT obtains his freedom, and upon the Knight's suggestion, goes to see a detective about leads on Salamandra.

INT. DETECTIVE'S HOUSE - DAY

GERALT
So.  Not a lot of...detectives....in medieval times, huh.

DETECTIVE
Nope.  I'm pretty sure I'm the only one.  But don't worry; I'm really good at what I do.

After a long and exhaustive investigation across the entire city which includes interrogations, entrapment and having sex with five different women, GERALT discovers absolutely nothing new to what he knew before.  What he does find out is that the leader of Salamandra is not THE PROFESSOR, but AZAR JAVED, and that dryads are great in bed.  With SHANI'S help, he baits AZAR, a fire mage, into a trap in a water-surrounded tower.

EXT. SWAMP MAGE TOWER - DAY

GERALT
HA!  It might have been easier to just throw a bucket of water at you, but I have you trapped now.

AZAR
No.  No, not really.

AZAR teleports away, knocking GERALT unconscious in the process.

CHAPTER III

INT. TRISS' BEDROOM - NIGHT

GERALT wakes up in TRISS' bedroom as she is talking through a mirror with another sorceress in very suspicious tones.

TRISS
Oh.  You're awake.  You, uh....didn't hear anything, did you?

GERALT
Actually, it sounds like you're going to betray--

TRISS
Let's fuck.

GERALT
Ok!

INT. TRISS' BEDROOM - 3 HOURS LATER

TRISS
So, I was thinking....Alvin turns out to be a huge Source of untapped magic power, bigger than anything I've ever seen, and he's at the hospital now with Shani.  Do you think you could go kidnap him for him?  He's probably in danger there, or something.

GERALT
I don't know if that's such a goo--

TRISS
Let's fuck again.

GERALT
Ok!

GERALT kidnaps ALVIN and sends him back to TRISS, leaving SHANI in a rage.  GERALT also realizes that this marks the third time he's slept with a single woman, so it must be true love.  He buys a ring for TRISS and pronounces his unwavering dedication.

TRISS tells GERALT of a party thrown by royals and nobles where he might find information.  On the way, GERALT sleeps with 4 women and has a vampire orgy.

INT. NOBLE PARTY - EVENING

Arriving at the party, GERALT finds PRINCESS ADDA, the royal whose curse he broke at the start of the game, which seems like three lifetimes ago.

GERALT
So.  We never got to...you know...after I broke your curse.  At least, with you conscious.  How about it?

ADDA
Hmm...well, my father has been away for so long I think he's dead, the kingdom is falling into shambles and being torn apart by a war between nonhumans and knights, and I'm busy trying to orchestrate a political uprising, but you're right, I just need a good lay.

GERALT and PRINCESS ADDA have sex.

Speaking to various other nobles at the party, GERALT finds out the location of the remaining three Salamandra cells, and destroys them all.

INT. INSIDE LAST SALAMANDRA HIDEOUT - DAY

GERALT
There.  That should be the last of them.  Salamandra is gone for good!

TRISS
Geralt, I just found out where the real real true final base of Salamandra is.  Come on and I'll teleport you.

GERALT
Jesus Christ.

INT. INSIDE REAL REAL TRUE FINAL SALAMANDRA BASE - NIGHT

GERALT storms into the base and discovers AZAR JAVED and THE PROFESSOR looking fiendish on the other side of the room.

GERALT
Ha!  I've found you, and there's no possible way you can get away from me now.

AZAR JAVED teleports away.

GERALT
Goddamnit.

THE PROFESSOR, however, remains behind, and after a lengthy chase GERALT actually kills him.  On his person are details about Salamandra's dealings with PRINCESS ADDA, marking her a traitor.  As he is leaving, GERALT gets stopped by PRINCESS ADDA herself, with an entourage of her guards.

GERALT
Damn.  Fancy a screw?

ADDA
You already have my sex card, no dice.  KILL HIM!

TRISS teleports GERALT away at the last second, saving him from death.

GERALT
HA!  That dirty trick works for me too!

CHAPTER IV

EXT. VILLAGE BY THE LAKESIDE - DAY

GERALT and ALVIN are teleported to a town outside Vizima where he gets engrossed in a series of pointless quests that has absolutely nothing to do with anything.  Along the way, he sleeps with 3 other women and, why the fuck not, a goddess.  At the end of it, the village is attacked by KNIGHTS OF THE FLAMING ROSE who are pursuing refugee ELVES.  During the siege, ALVIN teleports away in fear despite being in no danger, because he is a pussy.

GERALT
Okay, now that I've further spread a race war, lost one of the most important people in the world and fucked a goddess, it's time to actually do something about the main story.  Hey, we had to make sure this game stood up to the 80+ hour claim!

CHAPTER V

EXT. OUTSIDE VIZIMA DIKE - NIGHT

GERALT arrives outside the previously quarantined Old Vizima, which is on fire and somehow overrun by ghouls and monsters and zombies now.

GERALT
Okay...I know the really real true truly really real FINAL Salamandra base is in the swamp cemetery somewhere, but I'm not sure exactly where.  The cemetery is huge, with at least 2 different places they could be holed up, so I need help.

KING FOLTEST, back from his long absence, is walking through the streets as several of his guards get shot down by arrows.

KING FOLTEST
Damnit, who'd have thought waltzing around a monster-infested plague-ridden quarantined area of the city under attack by elven terrorists would be dangerous!

GERALT
Hello, King.

KING FOLTEST
YOU!  You're coming with me to the castle, so the game designers don't have to figure out how else you'll get a quest chain from a King.

INT. INSIDE VIZIMA PALACE - DAY

The KING explains to GERALT that his daughter, PRINCESS ADDA, is cursed again with the same thing from the start of the game, and promises to tell of Salamandra's super super secret final final final really final cross-my-heart base if GERALT frees or kills her.  GERALT speaks to the royal advisors to get some more information.

GERALT
How did this curse happen anyway?

ROYAL ADVISOR
It's been said it was a terrifyingly immoral and horrific lecherous act of sodomy and lust that brought it about!

GERALT
Hey, listen...we did a lot of things, but she never let me stick it in her butt.  I mean, vice versa, sure, but that's neither here nor there.

ROYAL ADVISOR
Uhh, no...I mean she was cursed because she's the offspring of the incestuous union between the  king and his sister.

GERALT
OH.

ROYAL ADVISOR
Umm.....so.....yeah.

INT. INSIDE FIELD HOSPITAL - DAY

On his way to the crypt where PRINCESS ADDA rests, GERALT stops in a field hospital where SHANI is working.

SHANI
I still hate you.

GERALT moves upstairs, where he finds more amiable companionship, in the form of two nurses.

GERALT
Hello, ladies.  I've yet to do two at once.  Care to try?  It'll help you focus on your patients.

NURSE
Well, there are forty or fifty severely wounded people here, and more coming in every minute, all bleeding out and at death's door, with a civil war tearing our very city apart....but you're right, we just need a good lay.

GERALT and BOTH NURSES have sex.  Afterwards, he heads to ADDA'S crypt.

INT. CRYPT - NIGHT

Following the same technique as before, GERALT  distracts PRINCESS ADDA through the night and into the morning.

PRINCESS ADDA
Wait, you mean I fell for this again?  Shit.

In the sunlight, PRINCESS ADDA collapses into her clothed human form, unconscious.

EXT. CRYPT - MORNING

ROYAL ADVISOR
Ah, Geralt!  You succeeded in saving the Princess!  The King will be so....

GERALT
What.

ROYAL ADVISOR
Uh....was she seriously totally naked?

GERALT
Yeah...umm..her clothes were just obliterated in her monster form.

ROYAL ADVISOR
Hmm.  Well....the King wants you to know the Salamandra hideout is in the really huge lone mansion on the top of the gigantic hill in the swamp cemetery, surrounded by giant mutants with a neon Salamander sign above it.

GERALT
Thank you...I never would have found it without His Majesty's help.

EXT. - OUTSIDE SALAMANDRA FINAL FINAL FINAL FINAL BASE - DAY

TRISS meets up with GERALT outside the base, and offers a back way in.

GERALT
Oh yeah, you should probably know, I totally lost Alvin in the last chapter.  He's a complete pussy, and he teleported away when some elf sneezed.

TRISS
Oh, no...he can teleport anywhere through space, and TIME especially.  Who knows  where he'll end up, when TIME is involved.  Just remember that for later.

INT. - INSIDE SALAMANDRA FINAL FINAL FINAL FINAL BASE - DAY

GERALT fights through a series of mutants and meets up with AZAR JAVED, who teleports away.  He fights further in, meets AZAR again, and he teleports away again.  This continues for a while until GERALT finally gets to the end.

AZAR JAVED
Hahahaha, POOF!  Away I go!

GERALT
Uh.

AZAR JAVED
(bewildered)
Damnit.   I must have run out of magic.  I'm starting to regret mocking you so much.

GERALT
Hey, before I kill you, what's the deal with all these mutants anyway?

AZAR JAVED
They are the future of the human race!  We wanted to use the stolen witcher's secrets to create people as physically capable as you are, but without the hinderance of  emotion or personality!

GERALT
...

AZAR JAVED
Huh...maybe none of this was necessary after all.  Anyway, I made sure to make them all monstrous and evil-looking, so you know for sure this was a bad idea on my part.

GERALT and AZAR fight, and GERALT stabs him to death.

GERALT
Finally....it's all over.  This whole thing, this whole quest, it's done.  I can retire in a cottage with Triss and a rotating harem.

GRAND MASTER OF THE KNIGHTS OF THE FLAMING ROSE, VIA MAGIC MIRROR
Hey, Javed.  This is your boss, the super-super-super ultra secret leader of Salamandra...is everything ok?  Are we still on for dinner tonight?

GERALT
You've got to be fucking kidding me.

EPILOGUE

With a new villain now known to him, GERALT weaves through the flaming city back to the Order headquarters to confront the GRAND MASTER.

INT. ORDER CLOISTER - DAY

GRAND MASTER
Ah, you found me at last.

GERALT
Yeah, way to suddenly appear out of nowhere right at the end.

GRAND MASTER
It was all part of my MASTER PLAN.  And now, for no reason at all, I am going to teleport us...TO THE FUTURE!

EXT. ICY WASTELAND - SEVERAL THOUSAND/MILLION/BILLION YEARS IN THE FUTURE...NO, SERIOUSLY

GRAND MASTER
You see?!  At some point in the future we all die!  Isn't that awful and totally unexpected?  But my mutants survive!  So that justifies everything I've done.  Don't you want to be a real mutant now?  If not, that's okay, they protect humans pretty well too, despite only killing them so far.

GERALT fights the GRAND MASTER, and is about to kill him when...

IMPOSING GOD-LIKE GHOST
HOLD, GERALT!  YOU FIGHT SALAMANDRA THINKING THEY ARE THE TRUE EVIL.  THEY ARE NAUGHT BUT TINY PAWNS.

GERALT
Oh for fuck's sake.

GERALT slays the ghost and the GRAND MASTER, teleporting him back to the present time in the cloister.

INT. CLOISTER - DAY

GERALT
Finally, end of quest.  Now to just get my stolen witcher's secrets back, which I am positive he just kept in his pockets.

Searching the GRAND MASTER'S corpse, GERALT finds not only the secrets, but ALVIN'S one-of-a-kind medallion.

GERALT
Wait.  So...if the Grand Master has Alvin's medallion...and Alvin teleported away through time...could it be....ALVIN WAS THE GRAND MASTER THIS WHOLE TIME?!

TRISS
Yep.

GERALT
Whoa.  But...wait, why didn't he say anything?  And how is that even possible, if he teleported to another timeline, wouldn't there would be two of him?  And his entire existence past 12 would be based on jumping back in time?  And he wouldn't age during the jump, so he'd have to raise himself when he could barely stand up without our help...and why wouldn't he just teleport himself back?  And why did he grow up to lead an organization that wanted to kidnap and kill his own kid form?  And why would he turn out to be such a douchebag?

TRISS
Um...let's screw.

GERALT
Ok!

Insert ending movie with obvious and hopeful set up to a sequel.

THE END