Minecraft Script
CAST OF CHARACTERS
CHAR - The main character, marooned in a strange world with no memories.
CHICKEN - A reluctant sidekick.
CREEPER - The main villain. Favorite pasttimes include running towards CHAR or something CHAR loves and then blowing (it/CHAR/the puppy down the road) up.
EXT. SANDY BEACH - MORNING
We open with a gorgeous beach overlooking a vast ocean, with rolling hills stretching out across the horizon. There are signs of wildlife all around; a PIG and a COW are happily hopping around the scenery. A SHEEP wanders nearby. Focus in on CHAR waking up sprawled out in the sand.
CHAR
Where am I? Who am I?
Looking out into the distance, CHAR begins to notice the horizon shifting. A set of gigantic mountains suddenly pops into view.
CHAR
Whoa.
CHAR checks his pockets and immediate surroundings, searching for clues as to who he is or why he's here.
CHAR
Nothing, of course. And it looks like I'm stranded on this island. I guess I'll start looking for food.
EXT. DENSE RAINFOREST A FEW FEET AWAY - MORNING
CHAR enters a forest after a couple steps, and spots a PIG nibbling on some truffles, oinking cheerfully to itself. He slowly approaches it, careful to not make a sound.
CHAR
(whispering)
C'mere....just a little closer...
CHAR leaps onto the PIG and punches it to death.
PIG
OINK!!!!
The PIG dies, and CHAR neatly tears it into cutlets and stuffs them into his pocket.
CHAR
Now for some shelter. Let's see what these hands can really do.
CHAR approaches one of the many trees that surrounds him and starts punching it down.
CHAR
(humming)
EXT. DENSE RAINFOREST - 1 HOUR LATER
CHAR finishes punching down his first tree. Blood is everywhere, and his knuckles are split and blistered.
CHAR
GODDAMN THAT HURT.
He examines the pitiful pile of wood that one tree produced.
CHAR
Going to need a lot more....
EXT. DEFORESTED WASTELAND - 10 HOURS LATER, DUSK
All that remains is a field of bloody stumps. With a respectable level of wood and almost no consciousness, CHAR picks up his bounty and prepares for the long journey to scout out some flat grasslands suitable for camping.
EXT. FLAT GRASSLANDS, ABOUT TEN SECONDS AWAY - DUSK
CHAR throws down some of the wood in a rough blocky rectangle that's way too big for his body.
CHAR
All right, cozy.
He jumps into the makeshift bed and falls asleep.
EXT. FLAT GRASSLANDS - MIDNIGHT
In the moonlight, we can see a ZOMBIE shamble into view and head straight towards CHAR. He begins gnawing on CHAR's head.
ZOMBIE
ggggggggaaaarrrrrggghhhhh
CHAR
(sleepily)
ooooh....oh yeah I like that....yeah, just a little more down............WAIT WHAT THE FUCK?!
ZOMBIE
ggaarrrgggghhhhh
The ZOMBIE, taking CHAR by surprise, successfully bites his head open and feasts on his brains. CHAR dies.
EXT. SANDY BEACH - MIDNIGHT
CHAR stands in the same spot he awoke initially, with the ocean waves lapping peacefully next to him.
CHAR
Oh man....at least I'm away from that thing - OH GOD IT'S RIGHT THERE!
The ZOMBIE leaves CHAR's bed and starts heading towards him. CHAR runs down the coastline, crying uncontrollably. After some time, he decides the ZOMBIE isn't giving up, and he'll need a new plan. He pulls out his FISTS OF POWER and starts punching the sand, digging a hole straight down.
CHAR
This is so brilliant!
ZOMBIE
ggaarrrrgghh
Soon, CHAR hits stone, which he has trouble punching though. Satisfied he escaped far enough down, he stands motionless in his tiny dug out tomb. There is not quite enough room for him to reach up and scratch his nose.
CHAR
Now I just have to wait for that zombie to leave.
ZOMBIE
ggggggaaaaaa
The ZOMBIE slowly approaches, and falls into the hole CHAR never bothered to cover up. It tears him him apart, and he dies. Again.
CHAR
FUCK
EXT. SANDY BEACH - JUST BEFORE DAWN
CHAR makes his way over to his death hole where the zombie is still stuck.
CHAR
Oh, you poor thing...you can't move at all down there, can you? Here, let me help you out.
ZOMBIE
gggaarrrrg
CHAR begins pushing sand into the hole on top of the zombie.
ZOMBIE
grb
CHAR
WHAT'S THAT COULDN'T HEAR YOU
CHAR finishes filling the hole and pats it down. As he finishes, the sun breaks out over the horizon and fifty different flames erupt all around him, as hordes of zombies burn alive in the morning light.
CHAR
Oh shit. I guess I need more than a wooden bed.
EXT. CLIFFSIDE - LATER THAT DAY
CHAR has found a cliffside next to the rainforest, and is punching out the rock to build tools. After some time, a small CHICKEN appears next to him.
The CHICKEN cocks its head and looks at him.
CHAR
Hello, duck. Are you here to watch me work?
After a few seconds of staring at CHAR, the CHICKEN begins to leave. CHAR punches a hole in the ground where the chicken is, trapping it.
CHAR
I sure could use someone to talk to.
CHICKEN
(frightened cluck)
CHAR
I think I'll name you Mr. Quacking.
EXT. CLEARING - NEXT DAY
CHAR hauls his previous reserves of wood and the new stone tools he's made into a large clearing that was probably the rainforest he deforested a couple days ago. The CHICKEN is still with him, in a different hole.
CHAR
Not bad, huh, Mr. Quacking? I've got enough wood and stone to build a whole house now! You and I can live here forever; plenty of fresh air, food and water. Come on, let's get to work.
CHICKEN
(tired, resigned cluck)
EXT. SIMPLE BUT FULLY BUILT HOUSE - 2 DAYS LATER
CHAR stands in front of his house, admiring it. It's a small bungalow, humble but well-crafted. Windows are carved out from the sides, and the rooms have been divided up neatly inside, with a gorgeous fireplace taking the centerpiece.
CHAR
It's great! And I built it with my own hands....I've never been prouder of anything in my life. This is our new home, Mr. Quacking. It'll keep us warm at night and safe from zombies. And the view is gorgeous! I couldn't ask for anything more.
CHAR turns around to pick up a last cord of wood when suddenly a pair of mountains materializes in the far distance.
CHAR
What....is that? It looks like....
Squinting, CHAR clambers up a nearby hill to get a better look.
CHAR
A giant pair of tits!
Elation overcomes CHAR as he scrambles down the hill and collects the CHICKEN.
CHAR
I have to go there. Come on, Mr. Quacking....we are going to Mt. Jiggles.
CHICKEN
(suicidal cluck)
EXT. FRESH WATER SPRING - THREE DAYS LATER, NOON
CHAR has dug another hole for the CHICKEN and is refreshing himself at a spring.
CHAR
Jesus...Mt. Jiggles looked like it would be a lot closer. Oh well, we'll make it there soon, right Mr. Quacking?
After splashing his face with water, CHAR takes a few steps forward and falls down a dark pit into an extensive cave system. Getting to his feet, he then gets swept up by an underground river that plummets him deep into a labyrinth with what seems like no hope of returning. Staking homemade torches everywhere he's been for light and navigation, CHAR eventually navigates the maze and makes his way up out of the caverns and back to the CHICKEN.
CHICKEN
(disappointed cluck)
CHAR
I missed you too, Mr. Quacking. But look what I found down there!
CHAR displays one block of gold ore, three blocks of silver ore, and four thousand pounds of dirt and cobblestone.
CHAR
Totally worth it.
Gathering the CHICKEN in his arms, CHAR continues his journey to MT JIGGLES.
EXT. BASE OF MT JIGGLES - 2 DAYS LATER, MORNING
CHAR stands agape in the cleavage at the bottom, awash in its splendor.
CHAR
It's....beautiful. Here, right here, seeing this...I've discovered what it is I'm meant to do in this world. I know it now...what drives me, the reason I was brought to this island. The reason for everything.
CHICKEN
(disinterested cluck)
CHAR
I will create.
MONTAGE:
- CHAR scales cliffs and dives into caves, gathering cobbestone and ore.
- Night shows CHAR hiding in a hole in the ground.
- CHAR hammering and smelting stone.
- CHICKEN trying to run away, getting caught.
- The base of something beginning to take shape, something finely crafted.
- CHAR deep in another cave system with a bucket, carefully harvesting lava.
- CHAR on fire, running around and screaming.
- CHAR rolling in the grass with wild pigs, giggling madly as we spin around him.
END MONTAGE.
EXT. THE MONUMENT - 3 MONTHS LATER - DAY
Built at the base of MT JIGGLES and standing twice as tall is the culmination of all CHAR's work: a giant cock and balls, meticulously sculpted out of a variety of materials giving it shade and depth, with a lava flow spurting out the top with pizzazz.
CHAR looks up with an obvious showing of deep pride. He has connected to something deep in his soul, and this giant edifice stands as proof of that connection.
CHAR
God, it's beautiful. Not that I'm into cocks or anything. Really.
CHICKEN
Quack.
CHAR
I've never felt happier than at this moment - my life's work rising up to the heavens.
On the horizon, a dark green form appears, black eyes burning with a cold hatred. It is moving with disturbing speed. After a few moments, CHAR sees it out the corner of his eye.
CHAR
What the hell?! NOOOOOO!!!
It's clear now; the form is a CREEPER, heading straight towards his giant penis.
SLO-MO: CHAR screams, sprinting towards the CREEPER. As the two meet, CHAR flings himself onto it in a desperate effort to save his creation.
The CREEPER explodes with a massive bang, leaving a giant crater that just barely misses the left testicle. In the middle lies the burnt remains of CHAR.
EXT. SANDY BEACH - DAY
CHAR awakens, a smile spreading across his face.
CHAR
I did it...even though it's miles and miles away and I know I might never see it again, I know it exists. I created it. It will stand forever as a testament to my glory, and nothing can ever take that away from me.
ERROR: SAVE GAME CORRUPTION, WORLD LOST.
THE END
