Heavenly Sword Script
CAST OF CHARACTERS
NARIKO - Our flame-maned heroine, daughter to SHEN.
KAI - Psychotic pre-teen sidekick.
SHEN - Father to NARIKO, head of the clan and protector of the Heavenly Sword.
BOHAN - Evil King, wants the Heavenly Sword.
FLYING FOX - BOHAN's General; creepy ninja.
WHIPTAIL - BOHAN's General and mistress; half snake/half human.
ROACH - BOHAN's disgusting son.
EXT. BATTLEGROUNDS - DAY
NARIKO, fiercely wielding a huge sword, is surrounded by thousands of troops. Many bodies are already on the ground, and as the horde start to descend for a final strike against her, her skin starts burning with blood red characters filling her body, face, and even eyes. She collapses on the ground, the sword taking the last of her life.
NARIKO
Goddamnit, this entire game better not be one big flashback to this point, or I'll --
INT. RUINED TEMPLE - 5 DAYS PREVIOUSLY
The inner temple grounds are filled with buff clansmen, armored and full of fight. They are preparing for an assault coming from the cruel KING BOHAN. NARIKO walks out wearing nothing but a bedsheet, barely covering her ridiculously toned body.
NARIKO
Huh? What's going on?
KAI
Tee hee, Kai can see your bum!
SHEN, NARIKO's father approaches her:
SHEN
Nariko, even though this entire clan has hated you since you were born and thinks you're the devil, I need you to put your life on the line to defend us while we uselessly flop around the battlefield like lobotomized fish. And for god's sakes will you please put some clothes on?
NARIKO
HYYAAAAHHH!
NARIKO manages to beat back the majority of the forces, and they earn a small reprieve.
INT. RUINED TEMPLE - NIGHT
NARIKO is having a recurring nightmare of her father trying to kill her. She wakes when SHEN stabs a gigantic sword in the ground besides her head. She still hasn't gotten dressed.
SHEN
Nariko, I need you to safeguard this heavenly sword, even if you are cursed and no one likes you. If we get overrun in the morning, I want you to flee. And please; take your psychotic friend with you.
KAI
KAI CAN SEE YOUR BUM!!
NARIKO
Father, why don't we just destroy the sword or throw it into the ocean or use its supposed power to throw back Bohan's army?
SHEN
NO! The Heavenly Sword must never be used or destroyed, but kept strapped to someone's back at all times. It is the prophecy and the will of the gods.
NARIKO
But--
SHEN
GO BACK TO SLEEP!
INT. RUINED TEMPLE - MORNING
The battle rages on between the soldiers and clansmen, as the army makes a last push. The clan is eventually driven from their home. NARIKO lugs the sword away as she flees. In the meantime, Shen and the rest of the clan get captured after they forget they were supposed to run as well.
EXT. MEADOW - DAY
After some time, NARIKO is eventually caught up by KING BOHAN, gloating over the tied up body of SHEN.
KING BOHAN
HAHAHA -- we have your father. Give me the sword.
NARIKO
Why do you want this sword so badly anyway? Are you going to tap into its godly power to take over the world?!
KING BOHAN
No, actually I was just planning on hanging it in my armory to kind of chill. Plus, you know, I need something to show that I killed your clan.
NARIKO
Besides just all of our dead bodies, you mean, which you already have.
KING BOHAN
Yeah, but I don't have room to hang you all up....the sword's way more space efficient.
NARIKO
You're such a prick.
KING BOHAN
A prick that has your FATHER!
NARIKO
FATHER!
SHEN
Nariko....you really suck at running away.
NARIKO
Even though you're a jerk who gave me recurring nightmares and acceptance issues and made me believe my mother's death and the damnation of the world was all my fault, I'm still going to sacrifice my life by wielding this cursed sword to save you!
NARIKO wields the sword and fights; bravely fighting off hordes of enemies at once, wave after wave, not unlike what she was doing before she had the sword. KING BOHAN then orders someone to shoot an arrow at her.
NARIKO
SHIT, no one said anything about arrows.
NARIKO jumps off the bridge into the river below, making the wielding of the sword and her damnation to an early death utterly pointless.
EXT. CLIFFSIDE - LATER
NARIKO has been found and nursed back to health by KAI, who still doesn't bother helping her get dressed.
NARIKO
Kai! We must find father, where did they take him!?
KAI
Tunafish!
NARIKO
Hmm.
KAI
Sparkle horse death farm.
NARIKO
I see...so they've taken him to Bohan's evil foreboding temple-castle. Listen, Kai...I am going to help Father. Before I do that though, I may need you to play Twing Twang.
KAI obediently begins to get undressed.
NARIKO
Err....the other kind of twing twang.
KAI looks confused. Then understanding dawns on her and she pulls out some handcuffs and a whip from her pocket.
NARIKO
NEVER MIND -- let's just go.
INT. BOHAN'S CASTLE TEMPLE
NARIKO has fought her way through hundreds of guards and finally finds KING BOHAN'S first general: FLYING FOX. After a lengthy fight, he falls back.
FLYING FOX
Ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssweet Nariko! Did you think you could ssssssssssssssssssssssslay a boss ssssssssso sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssoon? It's only a couple of hoursssssssssssss into the game!
NARIKO
Shit.
FLYING FOX
Ssssssssssssssssssssssssso even though you completely just beat the sssssssssssssnot out of me, I am going to pretend like I was jussssssst testing you and flee!
FLYING FOX flees.
NARIKO finds her imprisoned and ungrateful clansmen deeper in the temple and frees them. She moves on to save SHEN, locked deeper in the temple.
INT. WHIPTAIL'S CHAMBER
NARIKO arrives at the second general's chamber, and sees SHEN hanging from the ceiling in the middle of the room.
WHIPTAIL
SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSo.....we meet at lassssssssssssssssssssst.
NARIKO
Seriously, do all Bohan's generals have speech impediments?
WHIPTAIL
At leasssssssssssssst I have a reason, I'm a sssssssssssssssnake. The other dude is jussssssssssssssssssssst creepy. Oh, also, your father totally hates you and tried to kill you as a baby.
NARIKO
Duh. Pretty much everyone in my family hates me.
SHEN
Um...you're still going to save me, right?
NARIKO frees her father and battles WHIPTAIL, finally stabbing her through the heart with the Heavenly Sword.
NARIKO
HA! And to celebrate my victory, I am going to leave that sword impaled in your cold black heart, and step away from it. I'll celebrate about twenty feet over here, and ---- shit.
KING BOHAN enters and grabs the sword.
KING BOHAN
FINALLY! My collection is complete! God, do you know how many clans I had to go through to get one of these? And sure, they say you get them all with the booster packs, but it's all a scam. But I finally did it. HAHA!
NARIKO
Goddamnit.
NARIKO is thrown in jail, and the sword hung in an armory.
INT. PRISON CELL
KAI, after much searching, finally finds NARIKO in prison.
KAI
Twing twang!! Rawr.
NARIKO
Damnit, not now Kai. I need you to get me the Heavenly Sword. This is my only hope for escape, though it's not that much more powerful than my regular weapons....but I still need it, desperately. Can I trust you to outwit countless guards, break into a highly fortified armory, steal a heavily guarded sword, make your way back here, find out where I've been moved to and deliver the sword to me?
KAI
Lumberjack.
NARIKO
Perfect.
KAI investigates, finds a password to the armory and makes her way inside, doing cartwheels all the while.
INT. ARMORY
KAI
I FOUND THE SWORD!! And apparently my dead mum.
DEAD MOTHER
CREEPY FLASHBACK!!
Flashback of KAI, hiding in a hole, with FLYING FOX dangling her DEAD MOTHER in front of her and generally being a dick. Flash forward to present time.
FLYING FOX
SURPRISE!
KAI
:O
KAI tries to run away, screaming and sobbing, dropping the sword a few times.
FLYING FOX
Wow...I really shouldn't be turned on by this considering she's like 10.
INT. ARENA
NARIKO is fighting for her life against waves of human enemies in an arena match supervised by KING BOHAN.
NARIKO
These men are too afraid to fight back against Bohan's tyranny...though up until now I've had no regard for human life, I now have the need to save these poor men...I'll merely knock them unconscious, and not kill them. The ways of death and murder are in the past for me.
NARIKO incapacitates the humans, winning the round. Ape-men then swarm out.
NARIKO
Oh, GROSS....I'm totally going back to killing.
INT. ARENA - LATER
NARIKO is on her last legs, getting beat by the apemen when KAI arrives swinging on a vine across the arena.
KAI
NNNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIKKKKKKKOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
KAI throws the sword at NARIKO.
NARIKO
HOLY SHIT!
NARIKO barely catches it, and is imbued with a huge sense of power. She then proceeds to kill the apemen a tiny bit faster than before.
NARIKO
Can I please get some clothes now? This is getting kind of ridiculous, those guys scratched the shit out of me, I need armor.
KING BOHAN
Roach! Go kill her. I'd rather risk your life than just shoot her in the head with an arrow from here.
ROACH
YAAAAAAAAAAAY DADDY LET ROACH PLAY WITH SOFT NAKED GIRL.
NARIKO
.......eeeeeewww.
After a grueling battle, NARIKO emerges victorious.
NARIKO
All right! This seems like a pretty good time to flee. The worst is behind us!
NARIKO and KAI flee, but FLYING FOX quickly separates them and chases Kai off while she screams bloody murder.
NARIKO
Oh come on, just give me one easy thing.
EXT. BRIDGE OF DEATH
NARIKO chases them to a bridge where she sees FLYING FOX throw KAI off, who is strung up by her neck.
FLYING FOX
HAHAHAHAHHAAHHAssss
NARIKO
GASP
KAI
*necksnap*
NARIKO
KKKKKKKKKKKHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNN!
NARIKO proceeds to attack FLYING FOX in a rage, though he has the advantage.
KAI, hanging, starts to eat some crisps.
NARIKO and FLYING FOX continue to fight.
KAI scratches her butt.
FLYING FOX gets the upper hand on NARIKO, and it looks as if she is about to lose.
KAI
Ooooooh, this is a good time.
KAI pulls her crossbow out of...somewhere.... and shoots FLYING FOX in the head.
NARIKO
WTF?! Could've helped a little earlier!
KAI
Blueberry!
EXT. ANOTHER RUINED TEMPLE KINDA LIKE THE FIRST ONE WE WERE IN
NARIKO has taken KAI back to the clan to recover, but KING BOHAN and his army have followed them. After a long and difficult fight, we are back at the beginning of the game, where she succumbs to the sword's curse.
NARIKO
God...you....weren't....even....that....useful......anyway.
EXT. ROLLING HILLS IN THE AFTERLIFE
NARIKO passionately appeals to the sword for her life.
NARIKO
So, despite the fact that you were already captured once and stuffed into an armory and did fuck all to stop it, I'm hoping you learned your lesson and you want to continue murdering, so you'll have to not kill me for that to happen.
HEAVENLY SWORD
I am totally badass.
EXT. OUTSIDE RUINED TEMPLE
NARIKO GODDESS
I AM TOTALLY BADASS.
NARIKO kills everyone with one slice of her sword.
NARIKO
WHO NEEDS CLOTHES.
She points her pinky toe at a man and his head gets blown off.
NARIKO
HAHAHAHAHA.
KING BOHAN
Ohhhhhhh, shit. Ok, this might just be me being batshit crazy, but I'm going to appeal to my pet raven for godly powers, because, well...what the hell else could I possibly do right now?
RAVEN
*sneeze*
KING BOHAN becomes a god, and there is an epic battle between NARIKO and BOHAN.
NARIKO finally defeats KING BOHAN, who then has his eyes pecked out by the raven. ROACH comes running over out of nowhere to save his crippled father.
ROACH
LET ME SAVE DADDY!! I mean sure, he was trying to kill you really hard up until 5 seconds ago and really if he could lift his pinky he'd be trying to kill you again now, but he's my daddy! And really, how could sparing a tyrannical warlord with a serious grudge against you possibly be a bad idea?
NARIKO
I am so incredibly godly right now, I don't care what you do.
NOT QUITE SO HEAVENLY SWORD
Haha, that's what you think.
NARIKO
(dies)
KAI
Hello, Mr Sword!! I'm going to take such good care of you...it's going to be you and me forever and ever and ever....I've got so much to talk to you about...let's start with A. Aardvarks. Aren't they adorable?! SO MANY A's.
REGRETFUL SWORD
Wow....ok....in hindsight...maybe that wasn't my best idea.
THE END
