Catherine Demo with Duke Nukem
TL: Hello, folks. I have the opportunity and honor to talk to the one and only Duke Nukem, star of the insanely popular "Duke Nukem" series of games, and of the upcoming Duke Nukem Forever, amazingly enough coming out this May to consoles everyone. Thanks for joining us, Duke.
Duke: GOOD TO BE HERE, TOM.
TL: So you must be enjoying your time back in the limelight, with your new game finally coming out. Especially after the number of issues it had.
Duke: WHAT CAN I SAY, TOM - EVERYONE LOVES THE DUKE. NOTHING CAN KEEP ME DOWN, EXCEPT TRISH AND BARBI BACKSTAGE. AND THEY'RE MORE ABOUT KEEPING ME UP THAN DOWN IF YOU GET MY DRIFT.
TL: I think I do, Duke. So it's been twelve years since anyone has really heard from you; what have you been doing in that time?
Duke: WOMEN.
TL: That makes sense -- but no secret projects or anything else to occupy your time?
Duke: I DID ACTUALLY INVEST IN A MATTRESS COMPANY, AFTER GOING THROUGH SO MANY OF THE GODDAMNED THINGS.
TL: I'm glad to hear you've been at least financially stable all these years. We'll definitely all be sure to pick up your game when it comes out...I know a lot of people have pre-ordered it already.
Duke: YOU ALL BETTER, OR I'LL COME OVER TO EACH ONE OF YOUR HOUSES AND BOOT YOU RIGHT IN THE BALLS. THAT'S A DUKE PROMISE.
TL: And one we'll all take seriously, even for the ladies. So, let's get to the reason we asked you here today.
Duke: THAT WAS THE REASON.
TL: No, if you remember, we asked you to play through the Catherine demo and give us a bit of a rundown, from your perspective.
Duke: WHY THE FUCK WOULD I DO THAT?
TL: It was our agreement, do you always have a problem honoring agreements? Oh, wait. I forgot who I was talking to.
Duke: WATCH YOUR MOUTH.
TL: Well, we have it loaded up right here, why don't you give it a quick try and we can have a sort of real-time reaction from you instead?
Duke: WHY THE HELL WOULD I PLAY SOME PANSY ASS GAME WHEN I COULD PLAY MY OWN GAME AND HAVE ROBIN AND ELLEN ON MY JOYSTICK?
TL: Well...point taken. We are paying you, though, and there are scantily clad women in it.
Duke: IF YOU'RE LYING, MY FIST WILL GO SO FAR THROUGH YOUR CHEST YOUR HEART WILL END UP IN AFRICA.
TL: It's right there on the title screen!
Duke: FINE.
TL: So, I guess I'll do the narration here...Duke is loading the game up. Although the text itself is in Japanese, I don't think Duke is literate, so it's probably all the same to him. Now, the backstory is that you play Vincent, a young man in a relationship with a woman named Katherine. The demo opens in a Dream stage, where he's meant to climb a tower in order to escape, in a sort of puzzle-platformer.
Duke: WHY AM I PLAYING A NAKED DUDE?
TL: You have to give it a bit of time, Duke...so you see how to move? Just push those blocks around, and the idea is to move them around in a way you build a path to the top.
Duke: DOES ANYTHING EXPLODE OR DOES THIS UNCOVER A NAKED LADY OR SOMETHING?
TL: No. See, you're almost at the top; you can pick up those extra coins for extra points. See, you're almost passing it...no, you just passed it, you can go back and grab it to get a better score.
Duke: EAT SHIT.
TL: Well, there you go, you made it through the first stage. And now, we have a cutscene with Vincent and Katherine.
Duke: SHE ISN'T EVEN CLOSE TO UNDRESSED. PRETTY HOT, THOUGH.
TL: Right. Now, they're having a conversation about their relationship--
Duke: TURNING IT OFF.
TL: Wait, wait! Look, after this, you get to see Catherine, the other love interest in the game that Vincent has an affair with, and she's really hot.
Duke: THIS IS SUCH A SHITTY GAME.
TL: So next we're at the pizza parlor, in a cutscene...Vincent is talking to his friends about Katherine, and they start talking about the rash of deaths that have been going on.
Duke: NOW YOU'RE TALKING! ALIENS, I BET...IF THIS WAS MY GAME I WOULDN'T BE AT ANY SISSY PIZZA PLACE STUFFING MY FACE, I WOULD BE STUFFING MY BOOT UP THE ASS OF THOSE JACK OFF ALIENS THAT STOLE ALL OUR WOMEN.
TL: Wrong game, Duke...no women have been stolen in this one. I think you're thinking of yours.
Duke: HUH. WELL IT'S HARD TO GET SUCH A GREAT GAME OUT OF YOUR HEAD, TOM. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE FORCED TO PLAY SHIT LIKE THIS.
TL: Right. Well, now your friends have left, and you're getting a text message from Katherine. You can even choose how you want to respond to her.
Duke: HOW ABOUT "GET READY TO GREASE MY PISTON, BABY."
TL: I don't think that's an option. Just choose a random one -- see? You get a meter showing if you did well or not.
Duke: WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST MAKE ME SAY?
TL: I think that was the humble apology for staying out too late.
Duke: ....
TL: Uhh....well, here, look! It's Catherine!
Duke: SHE HAS A NICE ASS.
TL: She does, right? Well, then next stage is the Nightmare stage...it's like the Dream stage before, moving blocks around, only now you're being chased by a ghastly figure with a deadly fork, so it's a lot more intense.
Duke: YOU'RE KIDDING ME. YOU KNOW WHAT'S INTENSE? BLOWING UP A GODDAMNED SPACESHIP AND THEN BARRELING DOWN BACK TO EARTH WITH NOTHING BUT MY CIGAR. KICKING A FUCKING ALIEN OVERLORD'S HEAD THROUGH A GOALPOST. SEEING A STRIPPER'S FUNBAGS BOUNCING ALL AROUND FOR A C-NOTE.
TL: You might not have been the right person to ask to play this game, in retrospect.
Duke: YEAH, WE'RE DONE. BUY MY GAME, PEOPLE, IT'S REAL! AND NOT SHITTY.
TL: Well. Thank you to Duke, for generously donating his time to give us a close minded and incredibly biased review of a game he didn't bother trying out. We'll be sure to ask him back to talk about a more relevant game to his mindset and abilities, like 'Space Marines Blow Shit Up', or maybe 'Captain Bunny's Fun With Blocks'. Catherine is coming to Japan this February on the PS3 and Xbox 360, with no release date for the US yet. The demo is available now through though the Japanese PlayStation Marketplace and Japanese Xbox Marketplace.
