Bulletstorm Demo
I heard this game could be the next Borderlands; since that was one of my favorite games of 2009 (and 2010, really), I was instantly interested. Despite the fact that it's co-developed by Epic (the same lovely people who made Gears of War, the most mind-numbingly machismo-filled brown pile of crap that took 3 complete product cycles to get out of the schoolyard mentality of 'girls are poopy and don't exist'), I still had to give it a try.
The opening screen featuring two thick-necked 'roid monkeys did not fill me with confidence.
Nor did the full five minute introduction video which goes on and on about every button and power you can use, like a manual that you can't pause. It's about as useful as when they flash the entire controller mapping on the load screen for 5 seconds and then instantly launch you in the game; what's the point of it? By the one minute mark, I had already forgotten the first thing they told me, and by 3 minutes I'd forgotten there was a game I was meant to be playing. By the end of the whole thing, I was exactly where I started - I was pretty sure right trigger shot my gun.
The other thing I got from the introduction was a taste of the game's humor, attitude and writing. Which is drafted by a 10 year old Gears of War fan. "Bury your foot in his poop passage", "Glide my boot up his bean bag", and "That butter-dick lit up the sky" are phrases you can listen to through the whole game, spoken from someone who sounds like his masculinity depends on delivering the next cringe-worthy line with more hick-roughness. Now I'll be the first to say I don't have anything against immature humor, but it felt like everything was thought over carefully for maximum tangy 'tee hee'-ness. I can imagine after every line like "Hey dick-tits!", the writers giggled to each other endlessly. Nothing anyone speaks sounds natural. Though to be fair, you only ever really hear the main character's voice at length...it could just be he's an idiot.
The gameplay itself is fun - it isn't about the kill-count as how you kill the enemies, and there's probably as many ways to kill people as there is homosexual innuendo in Gears of War. You have a grapple hook by default, so if you've played Just Cause 2 at all you can imagine the possibilities there. You also have your magic foot, which is so powerful that you literally kick people through time, making them slowly float around until you shoot them down.
My first playthrough, I died right at the end of the level from my own stupid fault -- the game certainly isn't hard, nor should it be. It's not about clearing levels or getting the most kills or anything a traditional shooter is about, it's about points and style. Which could be this game's shortcoming as well. While it's fun to find all these new ways of killing, when it comes down to it...how long until booting someone in the face stops being fun? (Answer, after 4 playthroughs: not so far)
The movement of the game is generally fine, but limited. As you can only jump over obstacles when prompted, you are glued to the ground, which I've never liked as a game mechanic. Especially if you think about how much extra skills they could've put in if you could've gotten a bit of air.
The best part of the game, and what sells it for me, is Trischka. She is the bad-ass female heroine voiced by Jennifer Hale, which makes her even better (though I am really really worried they will start making her say that a particular combo "puckered her butthole"). I am desperately hoping she's playable in the main game; she was just part of my squad in the demo.
The funny part is the female producer of the game has gotten a lot of hate from moronic chauvinists, because she convinced the creative designer to not give Trischka tits the size of small moons as the sole means of conveying her attractiveness. I find that really funny because it means this man
was giving this woman
advice on what beauty was.
